From the Notebook: January 9, 2015, New York.
It is January 9 and I am still here in America.
The moon is high in the sky and the sun has not yet risen. Among the bare winter trees I can hear the wind talking … I see the snow making all roofs white and I hear cars in the distance …
Life goes on.
There is a feeling of being in a dream … in front of everything that is happening … in this moment that looks surreal.
Did it ever happen to you to receive some news, on a day that you thought would be like any other, and instead those news have changed you completely? You received such a shock that life suddenly acquires a completely different meaning.
It was December 29, Monday morning, and I was in my friend’s car, both were going to a meeting. Between one word and another I get a message. Our friend, Anna, is at the emergency room, hospitalized for a stabbing pain on her back.
That morning I got up imagining how the day would go and now I find myself in the car and the direction that the day is taking is completely different from what I had imagined!
In less than half hour, four of my friends and myself, instead of being at the meeting are at the hospital, looking into each other eyes and wondering about the meaning of that severe back pain. In our minds we think that soon, in the same day, Anna will be back home.
Again the imagination had failed!
One doctor after another, exams, questions … Anna comes in and out of that room, above a trundle-bed, after each examination, increasingly worried about the pain and what is going on. Each time the incredulous gaze of her eyes is meeting with ours. Anna is not understanding what is happening the same as each one of us. Our common aim from the beginning is to help, to support and ‘relieve’ her pain with our ‘smiling’ presence, until she has the first injection of morphine.
A few hours pass and the door opens for the umpteenth time. A doctor comes in and her mouth starts speaking words that one after the other are forming an unexpected news … unsettling for Anna and all of us. Tumor masses were detected at different levels including the spine.
We are silent. Anna starts talking with tears in her eyes, almost not believing the words that she had heard. We are around her, each of us in a state of presence, trying to find harmony between the thousand thoughts that are invading the sky like wings of fear. It is the first fight that see myself having faith and accepting what it is. Personally I start living many difficult and yet special moments. I know how important it is to stay present and maintain a positive attitude, not allowing my mind to bath into the shores of negative imagination about the future. That is my goal: to support my friend, reminding her and especially reminding myself, to live constantly in the present moment, to live the moments one after another, believing in the miracle and hoping that the miracle that I am praying for corresponds to the divine will.
In the afternoon I pass several hours alone with Anna, from a corridor to another of that big hospital in New York, waiting for the clearing of a room in the oncology department. We talk about many things, especially trying to understand the connection between the masses, quite important, at the level of the spine and the emotions buried in them!
A first obvious emotion that comes out is that Anna for many years had felt unsupported by the family and had suffered intensely for this. Now that spine that was supporting the body was suffering and was screaming in pain.
In the hallway of the hospital that afternoon, I speak to Anna … both of us trying to understand the evolution of the disease. “The spine is the support of the body and you didn’t feel supported. In time, the pain rooted creating embedded parts which are now old and rotten and must be eradicated. Your arms right now cannot move freely because the pain and they cannot embrace what life is offering. You are blocked. There is insecurity and doubts about what it will be. Opportunities are constantly coming and are telling us to forgive and create new relationships with ourselves and others. The child that exists in us needs Love. It’s time to heal from all that is related to the past, cutting the cords of energy and becoming free. We have to become complete through the Light and Love that come directly from the source and that want to shine freely through all the cells of the body. There is a whisper of sacred words in the air that reaches the cells … there is the hope that they can regenerate to a new life. “
In the past few years, how many times I have personally realized that emotions ‘buried alive’ may resurface at some point, screaming for help to be freed and ‘enlightened’ !!!
How many times the body silently screams in pain, until, if it is not heard in time, generates disease.
Oh, if only we could hear and listen and constantly let go …!